An edited version of this column appeared in the May 2014 edition of Good Taste Magazine (Dubai).
I’ve noticed that I rarely mention
the middle child in this column. Unfortunately I think an occupational hazard
of being a middle child is that you tend to go unnoticed quite a lot –
especially in the middle of five - so today this column is devoted to the often
overlooked but never undervalued child in the middle.
The middle child in this family is
nine, his name is Jude (yes, after the song), and he is my invisible child.
According to the experts, birth
order and sibling relations have a powerful impact on personality traits,
self-esteem and even ambition – where we come in the family can quite literally
determine what sort of person we turn into.
For example, world leaders are
overwhelmingly first born children. First-borns are trailblazers, receive most
of the attention and identify strongly with power - certainly my eldest child has
a very domineering personality and is extremely ambitious and independent. She
will rule the world one day - or at least Ireland - I’m sure of it.
As each child is born, parental
control relaxes and by the time the youngest child arrives, the family dynamic
is very different. Inevitably youngest children receive a lot of attention and
may be charming, manipulative, rebellious and disorganised (this is all true, I’m a
youngest child!). They also tend to opt for a very different path to their older
siblings; often living abroad or working in a creative industry. Or both.
Certainly, my youngest child dances to his own unique, demented tune.
My second eldest is broody, moody
and shy, having been overshadowed by his older sister his whole life. This
isn’t uncommon for second eldest children who often feel an inadequacy compared
to their older, more vocal sibling. My second youngest - having been the baby
of the family for four years before his little brother came along - has a big,
loud and charming personality.
And then, amid all these large,
battling personalities as they jostle for attention, the middle child looks on thoughtfully. He's so different to the others that sometimes I wonder if he’s a foundling, beamed down from some other
planet, or left on our doorstep by fairies. There is a calmness in him that is almost unsettling at times, like his name there is a simple completeness about him. He even looks different to the
other four; like me, they are plump and pink of cheek, with the Celtic
combination of dark-hair and blue eyes. The middle child on the other hand is
wiry, with olive skin and sharp green, almond shaped eyes. People are often surprised he
belongs to me at all (thankfully he resembles DH's
family or questions would be asked!)
We’ve all heard the term ‘middle
child syndrome’; of the resentful and bitter adult who felt overlooked as a
child. But actually middle children have some rather special qualities in my
opinion. Jude is wonderfully indifferent to any rows that go on, always
preferring to watch than take part. While the others may bicker and fight and quite
often draw blood from one another, he will stand back and wait for them to
finish, often throwing me a glance which says, ‘they’re at it again!’ When the
seven-year-old asked me, recently ‘what does neutral mean?’ I immediately replied, ‘to stay
out of fights, like Switzerland. Or Jude.’
Studies on middle children show
that they tend to be more outgoing than their siblings, because they’ve had to
learn to be flexible and vocal if they want to be heard. Compromise is
something they learn early on, they are more relaxed, have less to prove and have to think outside
the box as a way of getting their parents’ attention, and are often
entrepreneurial. Bill Gates is a middle child, so is Donald Trump.
Middle children tend to forge
strong relationships outside of the family home too – perhaps as an escape from
the rivalry and chaos. Certainly Jude has more sleepovers at friends’ houses
than the rest of them put together, and is never short of pals. His friendships are always water-tight and fiercely loyal.
His unconcern
for what people think about him is truly refreshing and he won’t blink an eye
if I’ve run out of boy-coloured socks for school, and is forced to wear his sister’s pink
ones instead. It scarcely raises a comment, unlike his brothers who would flatly refuse to suffer such indignity! And if a compromise needs to be made with the contents of a school lunch box or breakfast option, it is always Jude I'll ask to make it.
I read some tips recently on how to bolster your child's confidence and prevent middle child syndrome, one of which was to ensure your child knows how
special and unique they are, since instilling a good self-worth can serve them
well in adulthood.
This sounds like good advice to me.
So Jude, my funny, unusual, green-eyed boy on this Middle Child's Day, if you’re reading this, consider it
done!
No comments:
Post a Comment