I've learned a couple of things this week. The first is that should you lose your passport, check both your handbags, even if you think the pink one hasn't been used since long before the passport went missing -- because it is sure to be in there. This can at the very least save on the cost of phoning the British embassy, Irish department of foreign affairs, The foreign and commonwealth office, all the garda stations in Galway, the local cinema, your favourite coffee shop and finally, your sister, who then in turn spends an hour tearing her study apart looking for your grandfather's birth certificate (needed if neither you nor your parents were born in Ireland).
It also stops you looking like an idiot when you have to phone everyone you know (to whom you have subjected to tearful phone calls all day long with tragic updates) to tell them, 'ha ha, it's ok, my life isn't over, I will be emigrating along with my family after all, it was in my bag all along, phew!'
That's the first thing; as for the second thing, well it's parenting advice, so I've decided that while I'm at it, I'll compile my top five 'Don't's' -- gathered over ten years of intensive research -- for all those parents out there who have nothing better to do than read the advice of a woman who wakes up every morning, looks at her sleeping angels and thinks 'my god, they're still here...when do I get my life back?'
4) Don't - allow your children to watch 'Child's Play 2' followed by 'The Exorcist' on Halloween night just because you've had almost the entire bottle of Casillero del Diablo and they have begged you to stay up. If common sense doesn't dictate that they shouldn't watch these movies, then the age classification should do it for you. A classification of 18 means your six-year-old definitely shouldn't be watching it. Should you ignore this advice, be prepared to deal with the fall out for the next 18 months or so.
And finally, and this brings me neatly to the second thing I learned this week -
5) Don't - EVER tweet your daughters male teacher at 2 a.m. with the words 'hey let's tweet' because you're drunk and bored; it is wildly inappropriate and the follow up will be excruciating for all involved. Not even if you have spent twenty minutes with him in the week -- ostensibly discussing your daughter's progress -- thinking 'I wonder if he fancies me' (he's not unattractive himself). You were there to talk about your daughter, not to flirt, and just because you don't see a man in the flesh from one end of the week to the other (and Mathew from Downton is only 2D sadly), doesn't mean that any poor devil who speaks to you is deserving of the special mummy-flirty-treatment. And when the bodywarmer-wearing man in the Londis supermarket starts to look good -- even if he does give you free carrier bags -- it probably means it's time for DH to hurry up and come home.
So there's my advice, take it or leave it, but these lessons are hard learned and hey, I like to give back every now and then.
It also stops you looking like an idiot when you have to phone everyone you know (to whom you have subjected to tearful phone calls all day long with tragic updates) to tell them, 'ha ha, it's ok, my life isn't over, I will be emigrating along with my family after all, it was in my bag all along, phew!'
That's the first thing; as for the second thing, well it's parenting advice, so I've decided that while I'm at it, I'll compile my top five 'Don't's' -- gathered over ten years of intensive research -- for all those parents out there who have nothing better to do than read the advice of a woman who wakes up every morning, looks at her sleeping angels and thinks 'my god, they're still here...when do I get my life back?'
1) Don't - Leave your sleeping baby on the sofa while you pop up the road to collect your three-year-old from playschool, particularly if it's a day when the district nurse might just decide to call in to do a quick developmental check on the baby. Should you do this, you will be faced with the two dismal options of either a) emerge from your car and rushing into the house carrying a bundle of coats in your arms, as a sort of baby mock-up, or b) admit to her that you left you child alone and unattended for ten minutes. Neither choices are particularly attractive and if, like me, you are a most unconvincing liar, you may well find that you have no choice at all but to admit to the latter. This in turn may well result in more visits from said nurse.
2) Don't - make a baby's bottle out of a bottle of still Ballygowan and a jar of baby milk formula at the table in a bar, because you don't want to miss any of the fun, particularly if relatives are around. You may believe you're being resourceful, they won't.
3) Don't - Pretend to your children that you are getting a divorce, just to see their reaction. This is a very bad idea, and reasoning that your own mother played the same trick on you and you turned out OK, is no justification, you didn't turn out OK - there are therapy bills to prove it.
 |
| They won't sleep for months.. |
And finally, and this brings me neatly to the second thing I learned this week -
5) Don't - EVER tweet your daughters male teacher at 2 a.m. with the words 'hey let's tweet' because you're drunk and bored; it is wildly inappropriate and the follow up will be excruciating for all involved. Not even if you have spent twenty minutes with him in the week -- ostensibly discussing your daughter's progress -- thinking 'I wonder if he fancies me' (he's not unattractive himself). You were there to talk about your daughter, not to flirt, and just because you don't see a man in the flesh from one end of the week to the other (and Mathew from Downton is only 2D sadly), doesn't mean that any poor devil who speaks to you is deserving of the special mummy-flirty-treatment. And when the bodywarmer-wearing man in the Londis supermarket starts to look good -- even if he does give you free carrier bags -- it probably means it's time for DH to hurry up and come home.
 |
| Even Andrew is starting to look dreamy |
So there's my advice, take it or leave it, but these lessons are hard learned and hey, I like to give back every now and then.
No comments:
Post a Comment