Racism, drinking and why DH thinks we are moving next door to Jeremy Clarkeson...

There's a joke that goes around: 'What's the difference between a racist and non-racist?' Answer: 'Two weeks in the UAE'.

When I first heard this joke I didn’t understand it but after over two and a half years in the place this makes total sense to me.  

It's hard not to generalise about different nationalities when you're surrounded by such a wide variety of them - you begin to form an impression of them as a whole - often unfairly; notice shared character traits that tickle or annoy; identify idiosyncrasies:

-like the inability of many Indians here in the UAE to drive properly for example.  Or be logical:

-'Excuse me, can I use a credit card?' I asked the Indian gentleman behind the counter in the mall. 

-'What card is it?' he asked. 

-'Mastercard' I replied.

-'We only accept cash' he told me confidently.

Quite.

-or the insincerity of the Filipino's: 'sorree ma'am, we don't do such large sizes in this store, sorree!' says the shop assistant cheerily. Oh bugger off! I think truculently as I stomp towards the exit.

-or the arrogance of the Emiratis: 'Build it and they will come!' so the famous quote goes, without much thought given to the other famous quote which goes 'steal a kiss with your partner in McDonald's at 2a.m. and you will be jailed!'. Or the old favourite 'wear a bikini-under-a-tracksuit in the mall and if a local woman takes exception to you, you will be detained for three days'. See, I don't think they've thought it through properly.

They say the Irish are drunk; I think it's fair to say that everything revolves around the act (or art some might say) of drinking in Ireland; a country where a typical weekend greeting goes something like:

-'Howya?"

-'Ah, dying!  I've a head like a small hospital'

-'Yeah, same here'.

Imagine what we could achieve as a nation if we didn't suffer from a collective national hangover every weekend?  We effectively lose two whole days ever single week! The possibilities for world-domination are mind-boggling were we not obliged to start our day with an extra hour in bed (followed by a bisodol and a full Irish breakfast)! 

-And German males of a certain age like to wear Speedo's (budgie smugglers...) while slowly rotating on a spit-roast.  If you don't believe me, go down to Al Hamra beach any day of the week; but be warned, it ain't pretty.

On the other hand, living here can be educational -- you become much more knowledgeable about different cultures, customs and ethnicities -- and you'd have to be a cretin to come away no wiser than when you arrived (and there are some).

Here's some things I've learned:

i) Pakistan is almost 100% Muslim (I guess the national flag should have been a bit of a give away). Before I came here and had the chance to chat to Pakistani taxi-drivers, I had assumed it was similar to India in terms of the religious breakdown (and I realise that looking up 'Pakistan' in wikipedia would have yielded the same information, but it would never have occurred to me to check before)

ii) Arabic countries and the Middle East are not the same thing: I had always vaguely assumed they were one and the same.  Clearly, the scope of the Arabic language stretches far beyond the Middle East and into Africa and indeed.....

iii)  .....Iran is not an Arabic country at all, despite it's position in the Middle East; the majority of the population are actually Caucasian; with it's national language being, not Arabic, but Farsi.

iv) You can't go on holiday to Saudi Arabia (why would you want to?) unless you are a muslim doing the 'Hajj' (pilgrimage) to Mecca or are a on a work visa (like DH who spent a month in Riyadh last summer during which time he spent the princely sum of 1000 Riyals (200 euro's) since there was NOTHING to do -- no beer, no cinema and he claims he didn't see a woman for the whole month).

v) The Dutch celebrate Christmas on December 5th and rather than gifts, Sinterklaas leaves sweets in their shoes.  Short changed or what?? (and I realise that last one doesn't exactly pertain to this part of the world, but I thought it was fascinating all the same)

Obviously the above is not the sum total of what I've learned while being here, just merely what I can think of as I sit here typing...

However, since the UAE adventure has recently turned ever so slightly sour, we are now starting to cast about for ideas as to where to go next.  

So where to? The short answer is anywhere but here; the long answer is anywhere that DH can get a job, which sounds much easier than it is considering the battering the construction industry has taken during this recession.

I thought about Oxfordshire in the UK, having grown up in and around the area it appeals greatly to me.  I have a huge extended family there and after living in the desert with no support network, the idea of pretty country lanes, fields, pubs and a brace of loud, opinionated and welcoming relatives makes me want to race to the airport without even packing a bag.

DH is usually agreeable to most things I suggest, so not surprisingly was amenable to the idea when I broached it:

-‘AND’ I added with emphasis in an attempt to seal the deal: ‘Jeremy Clarkeson lives in Chipping Norton....and that's in Oxfordshire!'

-‘Deadly’ enthused DH, a devoted Top Gear fanatic: ‘And where does Stephen Fry live?’

Well he’s Irish: he thinks the English are either terribly posh and all living together in a village near Dibley in the southern shires, or are scary, pie-eating northern folk who spend their evenings slashing each other with broken bottles while yelling ‘eh up yer big girls blouse!’.

Actually, he’s probably not that far wrong although I’m not entirely sure since I haven’t lived there in 28 years. 

But obviously we’d rather be neighbours with Jeremy Clarkeson than Jeremy Kyle-- perhaps we could generalise about Mexicans over the garden fence....