Lost children, parenting for idiots and the nightmare of sleepovers....

I walked out of a shop the other day leaving the baby asleep in his buggy behind me.  As I strolled through the mall with four year old boy running ahead, a distressed shop assistant yelled from behind ‘but ma’am, you left your baby!’

Blushing, I retraced my steps to the store and retrieved the abandoned buggy before leaving, head held high, as if I knew exactly what I was doing.  The next time I went into the same shop the assistant amusingly reminded me ‘Ha-ha! Remember ma’am, when you forgot your baby!  Ha-ha, very funny!’

Quite.

But if that's bad, my sister is worse: she left her baby son asleep in the car in the car park of a shopping centre and it wasn’t until she was in a shoe shop trying shoes on her eldest son that she remembered him.  

Dashing out, leaving her son behind in the shop, she retrieved the baby from the car, explaining on her return that somebody else had been looking after him.

We all have our moments.

We met some new acquaintances for coffee in a mall in Dubai the other day.  After a huge production seating all the children before ordering juices for them, we suddenly realised there were only four of them.  Retracing my steps to the car park there was no sign of nine year old girl – what on earth would these new acquaintances think of us?  Luckily it turned out that she had decided to go to the toilet but hadn’t bothered to tell anyone.

It can be hard to keep track of everybody all the time and I’m obliged to do a regular head count.  Some kind of tracking device might be a better idea though....

Un-asked for advice

Luckily I’m not so bad that I'm in need of the unwelcome advice of www.babycentre.com who email me a weekly bulletin with pointless advice such as ‘how to tell which end is the baby’s head’ and ‘why you shouldn't make formula with straight vodka’ (well, almost that idiotic), so I was amused to receive an update entitled ‘seven signs of a bad babysitter’.  Oh this should be good I thought, let’s read seven points on the bleedin’ obvious.  

Apparently some people need to be told that if their child hides, cries and becomes distressed at the sight of the babysitter, it probably means this is not a successful relationship.  Also, unexplained bruises or one too many accidents probably indicate that she doesn't have your child's best interests at heart.  Turning up late regularly is bad too, as is being unkempt and dirty.  Seriously, who really needs this advice?

I reckon I could write these; here a couple of my own: coming home from a night out to find that your children have in fact disappeared and the babysitter is passed-out on the sofa with her boyfriend.  That’s definitely bad.  

Worse, arriving home to find 40 teenagers have raided your fridge and drinks cabinet while your child wanders around outside in the dark wearing just a nappy: that’s definitely a really good indication that the babysitter isn’t that suitable.

But perhaps I'm too judgemental; some first time parents genuinely don’t know what to do with a baby.  I remember sitting in a ‘parenting class’ on the maternity ward after the birth of nine year old girl.  The nurse was demonstrating how to bathe a baby (advice I never needed – all my babies bathed with me, much easier).  Then the nurse, with the aid of a baby doll, demonstrated how to dress a baby without strangling it or pulling its head off.  

One woman in the group nervously raised her hand ‘err..How do I know when to change the baby’s clothes?’  The nurse looked perplexed but many of the other mothers looked genuinely interested in the answer - 'err, well that's completely up to you my dear' she replied to a dissatisfied audience.  I made my excuses and left – this isn’t Leaving Cert maths for god-sake! (something I could never get to grips with and in fact still have nightmares about)

Mum!  Can I have a sleepover?

Am I the only parent that hates it when their kids have friends over for sleepovers?  In theory it’s a nice idea – for the first few times it happened I truly believed it would be rather wonderful for the house to be ringing with children's happiness and laughter.  In fact I always deluded myself that I would be the sort of parent who would be considered 'cool' among my kids friends and our home would become an open house where all their friends would want to hang out.

The reality though is very different.  As soon as they arrive it becomes clear that I’m now in charge of even more children than usual, and that means feeding them and watering them regularly.  With my own children we have a tacit agreement that they help themselves to drinks in the fridge and get fed when I can be bothered to throw something into a pan (or dial a take out), but with other people’s kids you’re suddenly obliged to act as if you care about meal times.

And they’re so noisy!  My children know to keep the noise levels down and to amuse each other without causing me too much grief .  As soon as an ‘extra’ child crosses the threshold,  the whole house is suddenly vibrating from the screaming, slamming doors and thundering feet up and down the stairs, like a herd of stampeding elephants racing through the house.

And the mess!  The last time we had children to stay they brought cake with them -- the only cakes permitted in my house are donuts since they don’t tend to leave crumbs.  Suddenly I had children wandering around wielding large slices of unwelcome cake, trailing crumbs as they went, while the next child walked through them.  I was instantaneously transformed into my OCD mother, down on hands and knees, dustpan and brush in hand, like some maniacal cleaning lady.

And getting my own children to bed on any given night is a endurance test as it is -- with extras in the house it's virtually impossible.

Four year old boy is usually the last to fall asleep

The following morning, as the offending mother comes to collect her child, I’m transformed, rictus-grin in place, into mother of the year ‘oh it was nothing – welcome anytime’ I insist, hoping sincerely that they won’t take me at my word.

Yes, keeping track of all five is hard enough as it is without extras, however charming they might be.   And perhaps next week my babycentre bulletin will be entitled 'seven signs that you've lost your child' - now that might actually be worth reading!